I had been struggling for over a month. My anxiety levels were high, my responsibilities were an irritation, and my relationships were strained. I felt distant from Jesus but didn't know what was causing my disconnect.
6 weeks into the new year, I earnestly started asking God to reveal to me what was happening in my heart and what was preventing me from connecting with Him. I know God never moves away from me but sometimes things get in the way of my feeling His closeness.
A million things ran through my mind…
My kids, the budget, the grocery shopping, my volunteer job as a chauffeur for my tribe, my responsibilities at home and at church, and the never-ending pile of laundry. Yes, I know, I always mention the laundry.
The list went on and on, but these responsibilities haven’t changed over the past year. I continued to search my heart, but knew only God could show me what was causing the anxiety and the added stress in my life.
Sometime during the day, God brought to my mind the Princess and the Pea. I am not sure when the last time I thought about this B-list fairy tale. I started thinking about how the princess could feel the pea no matter how many mattresses were stacked on top of the one tiny little pea. No matter how she moved or situated herself, she could always feel the irritation of the pea.
That was me. Every layer of my life was comfortably placed. I love my family, my friends, and my responsibilities. I like having influence and a voice in the things I am invested in.
Then, God showed me “the pea.” I hurt my foot and it was throwing my life out of balance just enough that I felt it everywhere and with everyone.
For better understanding of why this bothered me, here is the backstory. 2 years ago, I broke my foot. It was a horrible break that completely affected every area of my life. It didn’t heal right and then last February, I had surgery to correct the break. What was supposed to be a 3-month recovery was an 8-month recovery. For a full 2 years, my foot hurt to run, to walk, to wear pretty shoes, or do much of anything that required long moments of standing.
Last October, I decided to start using it. This was the make or break moment for me in this recovery. I started running with Philip at 5 AM. The 5 AM part has absolutely no relevance to this story other than I want you to know how much of a sacrifice I made for this athletic endeavor. It felt great. By the end of December, we were up to 4 miles and my foot felt amazing.
I must add a disclaimer here...when you think of Philip and I running together, I would like for you to visualize a thoroughbred running next to a donkey. Yes, I am the donkey. Philip appears to leap through the air, breathing like a champ and I am hardly able to breathe without any leaping ability. The important part…I was doing it.
Here was my mistake...
Our 2 youngest kids got fit bits for Christmas and I had the brilliant idea to challenge them to a “step contest.” We spent the afternoon walking and running around my house. I am not sure what I was thinking because I never put on shoes. I walked over 15,000 steps on the hard floor without shoes. By that evening, I couldn’t walk. Who does this?? I spent thousands of dollars to fix my foot and then I hurt my other foot over a fit bit challenge with my kids!!! I won by the way.
I didn’t realize how upset I was about not being able to run with Philip. In the quiet places of my life, I could feel the discouragement and it became friction to my soul. It was affecting how I felt about everything and everyone.
As of today, my foot is still preventing me from running, but I no longer feel the quiet anxiety creeping up on me during the day. I have continued to ice and stretch my “good foot,” with the hopes of being able to run with Philip soon. Until that day, I will rejoice that I am no longer waking at 5 AM and am sleeping blissfully until 6:15, which I now consider a complete luxury.
As far as the pea under my mattress, once God showed me how I really felt about this injury, I was able to acknowledge the frustration and reconnect with my life without feeling overwhelmed.
There are times things affect my attitude and emotions and I am completely unaware of the originating problem. I need Jesus every day. I need His guidance, His wisdom, and His encouragement. I need him for the huge moments in my life. I also need Him for the little things that throw my life out of balance.
I am thankful He sees me.
I am thankful that what is important to me, is important to Him.
I am thankful that He understands the quiet places of my heart better than I do.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I am a girl passionately in love with Jesus, my husband, and my children. I am forever learning how to live a life completely undone for my God. This blog is about my journey and a few funny stories in between.